A Husbands Perspective

Hello Blogging Community

I am very flattered that someone cared to ask about my perspective on our journey. Often times we husbands get overlooked in the process. I will do my best to put my thoughts out there for you to understand. However, I am a fairly random and hyper-minded (just coined that myself) person. So, bare with me and hopefully you will get something out of this.

Hmmmm, where to begin.

Sarah and I decided before we got married that 25 would be our age of choice for having children. It seemed simple and logical enough. We would be the approximate age of our parents, and both sets seem to be in their prime at the same time as us coming into adulthood. Therefore, it seemed like a good fit. But, as you all know, there were other plans to be laid out. Within the first 4 or 5 months of trying, Sarah was convinced something was wrong. Or, maybe not wrong, but just that there was a roadblock somewhere in one of our bodies that was keeping us from already being pregnant. I mean, clearly that had to be the problem right? Everyone gets pregnant as soon as they set their minds to it right? Yeah, your thoughts are mine exactly. No, that isn't always the case. In fact that is rarely the case. (But let me throw in a side note about my wife that is not a secret to anyone who truly knows her, and has been talked about at length between the family: My wife is spoiled to the core! She is very determined and usually when she wants something done...she wants it done now. And really, she kinda thought babies would fall into that same category.) So, her impatience actually was a blessing because it took her to the doctor where they found a few internal complications. If we had taken my "just wait for God" approach we would probably not be at the point in this process that we are in now.

I know, I know, you all already know this song and dance. That is what you have been following for the last year or so. What you are really looking for, I guess, is how have I felt and dealt throughout this process. For the typical, anti-talkative male response ---- I have felt fine and I have dealt well with it. But for the more in depth perspective I'll try to give a little more detail while still trying to not ramble as much as I have already.

During the time when Sarah was in the hospital with her perforated bowel I was in the middle of basketball season. None of us really knew the extent to which she may be "damaged." So the combination of the two events coinciding, and the effects of sleeping in the hospital a couple of nights and sleeping alone the other nights took their toll during that time. But, it was only a brief act in the grand play. At that time we didn't know that the incident had started us in the flurry of events that we have been in since.

Throughout the time since, life has continued to move at a high pace. We moved, I started a job at a new school with more duties and less pay, and we have gone through all of the events that you are all familiar with. For me there is a lot that distracts me from our infertility troubles. Not only basketball and teaching, but also troubles that my family have been going through and continuing to try to do the will of God. The latter of which has been the biggest help through the whole situation.

People often ask themselves, "Why me," or "Why us," but really why not us. As Chris Rice so eloquently puts it, Lord "sometimes finding you is like trying to smell the color 9." Essentially we have a hard time discerning what God's will is and why His will for us may take us through the trials that it does. But, ultimately, God is God and I am not, and consequently I don't get to bargain with Him when it comes to His will for my life. This process has continued to magnify that. Throughout the entire process we have had hundreds of people praying with us each time we have gone through the IVF cycles. I used to think that was a guaranteed promise of answered prayer and blessing. WRONG!!! What I have learned through this, if anything, is that God hears all of those prayers, but if they do not match up with the perfect plan He has for us the answer will simply be no. That has been a hard pill to swallow as many of you know, but it is what it is. So, through each attempt we put our hopes and our prayers into Him and cross all the fingers and toes that we have, knocked on all the pieces of wood that we've encountered, and picked up every penny that is heads up and wait to see if His answer is yes this time. But to this point it has been a resounding and painful "NO, my children. Not this time." So, for me, asking the "Why us?" has become, not a question of despair and anger, but an actual question that I am continually seeking the answer to. ..... What is it that God has chosen to accomplish for Him and for His kingdom through this journey? And for right now, I don't know the answer. But God knows the eventual outcome, and it may only be for one person to see our journey and what bit of strength and dedication we show for God, and if that is it then so be it. I can't change it with anger or depression or whatever emotion that may commonly arise in the situation.

So together Sarah and I march on, hand in hand. And through it I have learned more and more to admire her strength, as well as the strength of many of you other women that have gone through similar, and often times, worse struggles. I stay pretty silent, because that is my nature, but these are a few of the thoughts that swirl in my head when I think about our journey and this difficult process. I hope you can find some kind of sense to all of this. If you have any questions or need any kind of explanation of my incoherency please don't hesitate to ask.

God Bless,

Stuart

Colossians 3:23-24